Weary

Published on by ludanneLeave a comment

why do i feel like, crying?
and as pathetic as i can be, tears flowing out of my eyes when i type this out.

i wonder if i feel worn out all over again. or maybe because i have no will, nor accomplishment to pursue at the moment. everything seems to be tiresome and isn’t worth living. why is that? it’s not that i have an awful life to begin with. maybe a complicated, weary relationship. but i never had any other problem. but why facing my friend is never the same again, ever since the every-graduation that i had?

while sometime in a circle’s special occasions, some of people whom i’d want to forget keep chasing me with the same question, while people that i want to talk to never turn their back to me. whenever i want to meet my expectation, i always had to face something rather differently and it’s so unpleasing to bear. that’s probably why i feel tired to even wanting to want things. because it keeps going further instead of following my direction. what is dream anyway. it changes, often changes the moment you realize that it’s not possible for you. until when, when the wait will be over, i wonder. do they feel tired as they chase upon me?

will i get what i want, after i keep pretending to be friendly and welcoming them back? will the people i want to see, come after me when i do that? when my dreams resurrect after i throw out this heavy feeling? will i, after i get all of them, be happy?

can you be sure about that, ..?
how can you be so sure about that? 

cycle

Published on by ludanneLeave a comment

last night, my colleagues decided to hang-around in the city after the office-hour, sealed the deal through our group-chat. some people would loved to go, there are ones who joined the conversation but apparently couldn’t make it to the meet-up, and the other ones stayed as a silent reader. yes, including me.

actually, i miss them. like, a lot.
never in my life, that i experienced being so close with friends and feel so happy because i got to see their face. weird, they seem beauty on their own. generally, there’s nothing serious being talked in. their existence itself, the inside jokes they made, the chill ambiance, their attentiveness, i like them all.

i’m pretty much familiar about that kind of meet up. basically they are joking, asking about our daily or even major problem, then talk about it like it’s nothing serious. everything feels lighten up and seems like we have nothing to worry about anything. glad that they are still the same person as they were. probably i’m the one who refuse to change as we aged, that their experience outgrowth mine. it feels like i always the one who put the distance towards the people i like.

perhaps because i had this in mind; i don’t deserve any love in this world because i am afraid that i can’t give the same amount of love back. i really hate to imagine that they’ll get pulled into my negativity. i hate to think that they have to sacrifice, and while we’re at it, i will fail to protect them.

but uh, sometimes i  also hate myself for thinking that way.
i hate to constantly contemplate a lot under this vicious cycle.
it’s no use, please get yourself back together.

coloring

Published on by ludanneLeave a comment

from the way i deliver stories through my posts, perhaps you can see that i’m far from being a bright person, nor having an outstanding talents. rather than being great, i can do few things that i enjoy with a nearly good result. at least this is according to my own standard, lol. in this case, the context is me being an editor and create a good things using photoshop.

i know, i am not good at it, i just like the way the colors blend prettily. and how the picture that i picked, compliments the other pictures with a little bit editing here and there. the neat cutting, composure, humorous aftertaste, is done under my own control and assessment. i think i do have a complex of easily being satisfied by a small target, yet rewarding. not very fond of a long term goals though, that is why i am always in trouble when it comes to the commitment.

Continue reading “coloring” →