cycle

last night, my colleagues decided to hang-around in the city after the office-hour, sealed the deal through our group-chat. some people would loved to go, there are ones who joined the conversation but apparently couldn’t make it to the meet-up, and the other ones stayed as a silent reader. yes, including me.

actually, i miss them. like, a lot.
never in my life, that i experienced being so close with friends and feel so happy because i got to see their face. weird, they seem beauty on their own. generally, there’s nothing serious being talked in. their existence itself, the inside jokes they made, the chill ambiance, their attentiveness, i like them all.

i’m pretty much familiar about that kind of meet up. basically they are joking, asking about our daily or even major problem, then talk about it like it’s nothing serious. everything feels lighten up and seems like we have nothing to worry about anything. glad that they are still the same person as they were. probably i’m the one who refuse to change as we aged, that their experience outgrowth mine. it feels like i always the one who put the distance towards the people i like.

perhaps because i had this in mind; i don’t deserve any love in this world because i am afraid that i can’t give the same amount of love back. i really hate to imagine that they’ll get pulled into my negativity. i hate to think that they have to sacrifice, and while we’re at it, i will fail to protect them.

but uh, sometimes iĀ  also hate myself for thinking that way.
i hate to constantly contemplate a lot under this vicious cycle.
it’s no use, please get yourself back together.

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